...do not cross the yellow line!

i agree i have trust issues, i don’t buy it at the first go when people tell me that they love me, like me…or the sorts…i try to look for reason...'ulterior motives'...clearly i don’t trust anyone…the few i trust i fear for them the most…i was friends with death, i trusted death more than life, cos it was destined and it was fair…until i met death…and then it was mind-numbing…it was painful…it was is beyond repair and i fear death now…death of the people i trust…developmental psychology says trust and fear complement each other…i fear for the people i trust the most

i don’t trust anyone and gradually, for years, the feeling made me hate people when i didn’t want to hate...but i know these people love everything about me; except the things that count…and my most important is nothing to them, nothing...not even a sound they can recognise...and at the end of it all...they all whispered sorry and walk away, the way they love doing...absolutely unforgiving...did i ever tell you how the biker asked me out…'all i need is a fair chance’ is all he ever said (indeed a man of few words, phew!) 

i don’t trust people with my feelings…with my vulnerabilities…so i prefer to fake a smile and lie rather then tell them how deeply they have hurt me everytime, every bloody time…but with the biker next to me i now don’t even feel like keeping up the pretence...i guess my tolerance threshold has hit a new low…i don’t give a shit nomore…i don’t wish to deal with your crap…i can’t take any…i don’t let people tell me what’s important, cos they are often talking about what's important to them, not me…i even make sure that you feel exactly the way i want you to feel  about you when dealing with me…but yet time and again i am told, i am a nice girl, no i am not, not to you, not to anyone, i am anything but nice…i am not nice enough to accommodate you in my life…not anymore...and just for the records i never found victimhood sexy

as murakami says, in norwegian woods:

"don’t feel sorry for yourself, only assholes do that"

i don’t know why i wrote what i wrote…or maybe i know…it’s a note to self…it’s a reminder to self…hoping it might give me more courage to be me and meet death head on…i know that’s getting too hopeful, but that’s cool, of all the things why should hope be weak, i know the pieces fit...i watched them fall away :)

kabhii kabhii yuu.n bhii humne apne hii ko bahalaayaa hai

jin baato.n ko khud nahii.n samjhe auro.n ko samajhaayaa hai

-nida fazli