sometimes i envy people who can explain so very easily to others what they do…i mean their profile…say i am a teacher or a lawyer or say software engineer, pretty self-explanatory, aint it?
generally when someone asks me what i do, there is this slight recess (which only i am aware of) weighing; should i respond in all earnestness or should i not bother, ahh well mostly i don’t bother, the specifics don’t work for me…i tell them what i feel like at that moment, funny enough, many find this question as an opportunity to sell themselves, a chance at ostentation for many, for me, it is just a mood thing :)
“umm ‘’m into finance, banking” i would murmur - not quite sure if i should get into more details or just take a tangent from here with something completely off topic (which works like magic, mostly) say like a compliment “your gharara/jhumka is really nice” or “you looking pretty” well however, some persist, and then follows the most oft-repeated question (stemming from ignorance) “so which bank, hdfc, icici, kotak, indusind, sbi?” “do you do home loans/car loans”?
“hell no, i don’t work for a retail bank or do retail loans. well it’s an investment bank and we work for fiis, banks, institutional investors etc” i try to sound enthusiastic but end up sounding exasperated...i hate myself for making something i’m so passionate about sound so lame; just another number crunching excercise
“we help financial institution raise debt capital by structuring deals and simulating derivative pricing by taking into account risk as per basel iii norms” grand…now i sound like i have no idea what i do, except use long words to sound important - how wannnabe!
"i look at complex spread-sheet, algorithms and formulae which aids in making financial decision to tighten spreads and take margin calls" - too pseudo.
"i look at the risk elements so the investor loses not a single penny" - aaaargh so limiting.
"my designation says that i am a quant analyst, the thing about my work is that it has no boundaries" - ugh very metaphysical
i am constantly in search for expressions which will encompass the enthusiasm and thrill i feel in my work. but in vain, can words ever make up for feelings? i struggle almost every time i’m asked this question not because i don’t know the answer but because i have yet to find the right words which do justice to what i actually do and doesn’t end up making me look like someone who is trying too hard to act important
“so what do you do?”
“jee i’ work at a library.”
“oh how nice beta. are you the manager there?”
“nope, i volunteer for kids activity”
“oh volunteering…”
*sigh*
'numbers' for people like us was never meant to be just a professional tool, it was meant to be a full-fledged way of life and as we graduated from b-schools majoring in finance, those millions of 7 years ago, i don’t think i recognized that i was afflicted because it didn’t show back then, so naïve; but now it’s screaming obvious…here’s a look at the symptoms - after having agreed to “contracted hours” after the preliminary investor meet, i build up models, liaise with counterparts, draw deadlines for myself and my client, suddenly i find myself working way way overtime, not only in terms of actual hours and minutes, but in my head too. it’s no longer just another deal but a part of my being...it’s like a disease, a contagion, where me and my work are embodied in each other…so when i am sleeping, having my shower, walking on my way back home, doing groceries, cooking…i am calculating, yes i am!!! mental mathematics, yes its driving me mental :) the work cannot be separated from me because the invisible dividing line where the work ends and i begin is very vague, very very vague…there are these maths quizzes in office daily held by the VP of the bank, you sure know by now who wins it everyday :)
i am not saying that i am workaholic, i love my stretch of velaapanti as much as anyone out there...but most of the times me and my work get so captivated into each other that even if i want to stop, i cant; because the momentum that has built up is too addictive, too overwhelmingly out of control and its simply impossible to pull brakes, i love it, to truly understand the mania try to atleast work in these financial hubs (for a year or two) - mumbai, london, frankfurt, new york and hongkong, once in a lifetime, i have checkmarked three there, two to go :)
i am not saying that i am workaholic, i love my stretch of velaapanti as much as anyone out there...but most of the times me and my work get so captivated into each other that even if i want to stop, i cant; because the momentum that has built up is too addictive, too overwhelmingly out of control and its simply impossible to pull brakes, i love it, to truly understand the mania try to atleast work in these financial hubs (for a year or two) - mumbai, london, frankfurt, new york and hongkong, once in a lifetime, i have checkmarked three there, two to go :)
the biker said something that got me thinking about when does it really ends, when as bankers, we take on projects after projects or when, as drained bankers do we just do ctrl c ctrl v? when i start calling a deal as an investment option? when the cash modelling is done? or when the pitch report is ready ? or when the cash is actually tinkling in the investors account? do our roles ever really has a closure? or does it not? at a very certain level it is not only about a deal but the whole portfolio affecting a nation’s economic policies, where it’s not only changing someone’s balance sheet but many lives as well :)
(the subprime-crisis and consequent recession across the globe was just one of the many life changers)
(the subprime-crisis and consequent recession across the globe was just one of the many life changers)
exhausting innit?
“so what do you do?”
“jee i’ work as a flower arranger in a flower shop.”
“do they pay you enough?”
*double sigh*
it’s only when i’m in the midst of the action, holding an argument in the boardroom to prove a point, enjoying a discussion with the best brains in the industry, when the numbers talk to me, i truly enjoy, all the ummmm ‘ hmmmmm' ahhhhhhhhhhh disappear, replaced with the staunch belief in what i do and i realize that there’s nothing else i would rather be doing in my life than play with numbers :)
and when i get bored of numbers (not really, it’s the corporate shebang) i go back to teaching, simply to loosen up, to renew my license to recklessness…the world of official insanity :)
if you cant do it passionately, joyously, even madly, then please dont do it, just because its a job it doesnt mean it should suck!
if you cant do it passionately, joyously, even madly, then please dont do it, just because its a job it doesnt mean it should suck!
badlaa naa apne aap ko, jo the wahi rahe.n
milte rahe.n sabhi se, magar ajnabee rahe.n
-nida fazli
whatever you are, be a good one.
- abraham lincoln
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